Using online dating apps seems ever futile; often a balance of managing expectations and hope that the other user will see your message/like/swipe..

It all seems useless; the overall data suggests i’m fighting an uphill battle against men far superior to me in many aspects; they have more money, less responsibilities, more abs (shut up.. i’m working on it), probably better facial hair, and those alpha good looks i am fairly sure i’m lacking.

I have had no success yet this week as far as meeting/connecting with anyone new; and even though i’m super picky about who i will approach on an app basis; i have had very little response to anything this week.

I’m not upset, i’m expecting to be disappointed. I’m not remissed to continue to try; I do feel deflated, and less enthusiastic about continuing the search for a better, better-half. Maybe i’m aiming too high; maybe i’m a 4 reaching for a 7; maybe i’m a 3 with an inflated 8 ego. the whole numbers game is dumb; but i really have no idea where i fall in this spectrum of attraction. I’ve been told i’m cute, or handsome; but its not like any woman has gone out of her way to comment on my looks, besides saying how nice of a beard i may happen to have. I have had the pleasure of being complemented of having a very soldierly like walk, and ‘look normal’ if that’s a thing.

I’m not fishing for compliments; but i would like an honest assessment of my appearance; and maybe a guide of what i should be doing to ‘appear’ more attractive.

I even went so far as to start using a daily facial scrub, and a moisturizer to hide the bloodshot and tired bags under my eyes; and try to assemble a color coordinated outfit and look somewhat put together by the time i leave the house in the morning. I know i’m not Quasimodo, but i’m not exactly the kind of guy women will say hi to if they so fancy. So i rely on what interactions i happen to get to have. Hopefully i come off as charming and witty? somewhat sarcastic and self deprecating, as this seems to have worked for me in the past?

I hate trying to pretend i’m cocky and confident; i know i’m not. I’m not an alpha, i’m a beta. but alphas are the buggy introductory software; and the betas are the ones that have finally got the bugs worked out. I’ve installed software and plugins to make me a more complete human operating system, i’ve got the Domestication 2.0 package; with the enhanced cooking package, laundry addon, and domestic chore efficiency upgrades. I’m not the high end gaming console with the flashy new games, i’m the stable console with great playability and dependability, with an extensive shelf life. I don’t need software updates to stay relevant.

I suppose the problem with my software, is that now i’m second hand software, with a void end-user license agreement, and additional files that must be required for usability. I come with extras. no one wants the extras.

On a departure of this thought; I have often thought of myself as a human being who is missing pages of the manual. Those pages that have the instructions for additional human behaviors have been removed from my manual, and i’ve been struggling to write down what commands i’ve been able to work out in the notes pages at the end of the book. I’m sure other people can understand my software just fine, and often they can find the button combinations to make me do what they want; but i have yet to find the konami code to enable the bonus features, or the cheat menu.

I feel like one of us needs to apologize; and I’m pretty sure its me. There wasn’t anything she did to upset me, or give me any reason to treat her in any different way. She doesn’t owe me any excuses, or any sort of reason for how things happened. Its my fault.

Its hard, when you think about someone all the time, and daydream about them; and would do almost anything for them; and then one day, someone tells you, just to give up on that idea.

You’re told to give up on the idea of what you’ve built up in your mind as perfection; its tough to come back down to reality and try to move on to something else. No one, and nothing else compares to what you felt with that one person. No matter how much you try to distance yourself emotionally from them; and try to fill your head with thoughts of someone else instead.

They’re still the one you compare everyone new to; they’re the one you still would rather be with.

My divorce is almost complete. what could be as soon as May 9th if all goes as planned; and after that; i’ll officially be back to being me. just me. lowly me. That part of me is over; that relationship was not what it could have been, and i’ve learned a lot about myself and what i want in another relationship.\

Even considering her faults; she is still the one i’d rather be with. I miss her. I miss daily chit-chats; i miss trying to give her a smile; i miss that smile.

I don’t even know if thats what she wants; i have just pulled myself back on what someone else told me to do, because i thought thats what she would have wanted.

She just has to say something… anything…

 

Well, this girl i met via Hinge; and throughout the last week, we’ve been texting and messaging back and forth, and had good conversations; and tonight we finally met up. I thought i’d try soemthing different tonight; and suggested we meet at a wine bar; which i honestly know nothing about wine, but i figured, maybe it’d be a unique way to meet up and see where things went.

I think i had drank too much coffee this evening, having left work and headed towards the neighborhood we were going to meet up in; i had enough time to stop into a comic book shop and buy a few novels that had been on my recent list; and then i was able to sit at a coffee shop nearby and get some work done before meeting up with her.

This was probably a mistake.. already having a full days worth of coffee in my system, and now to add alcohol to the mix; i was anxious, fidgety, and probably talked way to much. but i was in a good mood; so i hoped i was at least being somewhat entertaining?

I have had an extremely busy week so finally getting to a point where i could effectively relax, i still couldn’t calm my mind down enough to have a solid coherent conversation, not to mention every place we had gone, i could barely hear her; she was soft spoken, and i’m already going deaf. I interrupted her mid sentence more than once to ask her to repeat herself, and at some points could only make out portions of her conversation. i felt terrible about not being able to hear her completely, but i think i was able to at least make some sort of impression.

I need to find a quiet, impartial location to meet for these dates; i don’t care for loud bars; coffee shops sound more appropriate, but i’m pretty sure if i were to meet up and continue to consume coffee, i would probably come off as a coke addled tweaker.

I think we did actually have a good time, we laughed a bunch, and learned a bit about each other; but often i was at a loss for conversation starters; we have similar tastes in things, but i can never tell if i’m appealing or muddling through complete nonsense or showing just how out of touch i am…  at the end of the night; we hugged and went our separate ways; we’ll see where this one goes next… p

As i see it, the problem with modern dating, is that nothing feels organic, nothing feels true. Everyone is presenting an honest opinion of what they’d like others to see. No one is exposing their true self, or who they really feel they are. This may be more of an issue with modern society in general, as everyone filters their own lives through what can be seen and expressed through their social media accounts. We’re not all completely happy; and yet, we project this image of ourselves, an avatar, of what we think everyone should see of ourselves. In our online personas; we’re happy, cultured, fulfilled, and happy to be what we are in.

I feel apathetic when seeing those posts about how happy or grateful we are with things as they stand; and those of us still trying to put their lives back together after a divorce, death, or heartbreak, are often exposing ourselves to everyone; and are shamed, and ostracized for such displays of vulnerability.

I, honestly, hate modern dating in this aspect; you see the exact same profile over and over; “i like dogs, travel, wine, yoga, running”.. great. when everyone wants to do the same things, then no one does anything different. This doesn’t even consider the photos. Profiles have become repetitious displays of the same exact photo galleries; “look at me, i’m at the skydeck, reclining on the glass, without freaking out that i’m 95 floors up!,” “i go to the gym!,” “this is my dog,” and the obligatory washed out selfie where you can barely make out any facial features except for the heavily mascara-ed eyes, and the dark red lipstick in what appears to be an attempt to be artsy.

Why is it so hard, to make a connection with someone whom you genuinely have common interests, like sensibilities, and a mutual attraction in our every day lives; we are so afraid of complicating our habitual lives that we won’t even admit to ourselves, that we would take a risk for something that could be worthwhile.

I thought I had one of those organic relationships, when just having a random conversation about whether a 100 duck sized horses, or a horse sized duck would be a more worthy adversary; or what dramatic shift would occur in the next Marvel movie; or perhaps when someone needed cheering up, just sharing a funny gif, or picture would bring just as much joy to you, as you know they would have appreciated the gesture.

I was wrong; and i was being selfish in expecting anything more than what i was putting into the relationship to be expressed in return. I am not an alchemist, i am not a genius physicist able to generate more energy than what i was putting in. I do not regret the time, and energy i had invested in that person; but in hindsight, i should have seen the writing on the wall; i should have known that my efforts were fruitless and not doing anything to win affection from the one i held on such a pedestal. I spent weeks, days, hours, minutes, and seconds wondering what i’d done wrong, what i could have done differently, or why she didn’t respond the way i had hoped. I had, undoubtedly, invested way more energy than i was getting out.

A relationship isn’t supposed to be one sided; it isn’t’ supposed to be a struggle to get the other to appreciate you. A relationship is teamwork, working together to build something special. Its being dependent on each other, to know that the other person is there when you need them, or to know that there’s someone to help you when you need it. I’ve spent a lot of time, hoping someone would need me. Needing me for something other than being able to push pixels, or do the laundry; but just for being me. My personality is built upon being there to help; i love helping, doing favors, and expecting nothing in return. But at some point; i can no longer be there as a beast of burden; and as the Rolling Stones once sang;

I’ll never be your beast of burden
My back is broad but it’s a hurting
All I want is for you to make love to me
I’ll never be your beast of burden
I’ve walked for miles my feet are hurting
All I want, for you to make love to me

I’m done doing all of the work. i just want to feel like i’m needed for being me.

This blog is going to document my struggles and successes with dating; as a post-divorce, parent, nerd, non-alpha, socially-awkward, awkward silence, video gaming, tattooed, dork.

I’ll probably have some insite on the different dating applications i’ve experimented with, and probably won’t share any of the girl’s personal details; we’ll just refer to them by post names..

So far, i’ve tried them all, the OKCupid, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Match, it doesn’t matter.. they’re all the same, with a slight difference in clientele.

One thing remains, i know what dragon i’m chasing; and unless that happiness finds me again, i’ll continue the search for the next ex-wife.

Last night, I went out with a girl I met via OKCupid. Her pictures were cute; she had a bright smile and everything else I was interested in; I should have known from the start that she wasn’t going to work out. Her profile was sparse; she had put in the least amount of effort into filling out the questionnaires; answering the bare minimum of the questions asked and providing just enough to make her seem like a normal human being.

She asked where I liked to hang out; and I suggested my usual hangout; which i was more than happy to agree to; since it is my usual bar; but she didn’t even make any effort to suggest another location; or make any inquiry as to what we were going to be doing for the evening.

Now; here’s where i give her some credit; she did warn me ahead of time that she was already tired; but insisted that she would come out for a drink. Great. i’m not going to force anyone to go do anything against their will; but i could have accepted the ‘i’m sorry, maybe another night, i’m really kinda tired’ defense.

Like a trooper; she showed up just when she said she would; after even checking in to make sure i was going to meet her. I let her know what i was wearing (standard issue Darth Vader Hoodie) and was sitting in a specific location at the bar.

Immediately, i was struck by how low energy she was. I asked if she was ok, or if she was just nervous about meeting a complete stranger; but no, she was totally comfortable meeting.. she just had NO energy. she seemed to just agree with everything i said; and didn’t offer any additional conversation. I couldn’t tell if I was making any sort of impression on her; as you see.. i have this weird thing, where i tend to score on the aspergers scale, and i have a REALLY hard time reading emotional, physical, and language cues in other people. So.. was this going well? I couldn’t tell. I had arrived at the bar at least a half hour before she did, and was treated to a few shots before hand, which i figured would give me just enough liquid courage to be my charming and goofy self without coming off as a complete weirdo.

After an hour of our interaction; she got up to use the bathroom, and one of the other patrons of the bar; asked if she was high, or if i had drugged her drink.. aghast, i said of course not; but he was afraid she was about to fall asleep or fall into a coma shortly thereafter.

She looked like her pictures; she just didn’t smile; she matched her profile; in that it provided little detail, less personality, and while if she had been a bit more activated; i would have been more interested; but she just wasn’t all there.

and so ends another date.