Things have been up and down lately; no recent hits on the dating apps; and a few good nights here and there. And another cycle brought around full circle. Me and this girl have been back and forth with being chatty and flirty; a series of good times, and also a series of dry periods where she seems to go completely cold on me. and yet; i still allow myself to get wrapped back up in thoughts of her. Things had gone back to a fun upbeat state; and i thought we were doing ok. But after the last week, again, i feel like i don’t register anywhere in particular on her radar. She doesn’t introduce me to friends as a friend, but as her designer; and although the time we hang is fun; i’m pushed aside for something else. which i cannot understand.
time and time again, i let myself back into a groove, and then when it gets rough, i have no one else to blame but myself. I put myself out there, and get burned, or scarred, and apparently i’m an idiot who doesn’t learn not to touch the red flames. but the flames are pretty.. and look so warm and friendly..
I’m not in a good place this week; i’m cranky and despondent, and almost feel like i could vanish from site and no one would notice. I know, i know.. there’s always my daughter that would miss me; but when was the last time someone called me up to do something, and not just because they needed something; or when was the last time someone reached out to contact me via a message to say hi, whats up; instead of asking me for work. hard to imagine feeling good about myself, when i don’t feel valued as a person; only as a machine punching buttons.
I keep finding myself screaming hateful obsceneties in my head at random strangers for their slow ascent up the escalators (IT’S NOT A FUCKING RIDE. KEEP STEPPIN), slow walkers on the street who change direction on a whim without considering whose path they be crossing, the selfish person who immediately checks their phone as soon as they exit the train, or people who stand with doe eyes when passengers are trying to enter or exit the transport, but are unable to because of your dumb oversized backpack.
i’m a hateful asshole this week. and really am in the mood to just tell everyone to go fuck off.